Little Princess (小公主)

*sigh*  a saying that I agree on alot! This morning I was suppose to skype with my baby. We were in a jolly mood last night! I really missed him and I felt this major love in my heart for him and I had a happy sleep. 

I woke up not really all that happy or sad…it was more of a neutral feeling. I knew he was going to go shoe shopping today and didn’t expected much. But when he woke up he wanted to talk with me on skype so I thought great! We’d have a short and nice chat before I hit the books. But unfortunately after a few seconds of talking with him my mom called and said she had to discuss with me whether we should sell our desktop to this guy. 

I had an hour of discussion with her and obviously he left the call. At first I thought my mom would take only a few minutes and ask me to write an email or something small. But yeah, we took an hour and I know  he totally lost the mood to talk with me. But I thought we’d talk before he go out for shopping…even for a few minutes. 

I even messaged him to tell him to let me know when he feels like skyping. I guess he was mad at me. I wish I could’ve done something about it, but my mom kept on talking and … yeah…. 

Sometimes I wish I could be more happy when I have to study. It seems as though when I’m studying I get emotionally affected by the events that happen around me. It’s like I need to lock myself up in a room where noone I know exists or can contact me unless I want to contact someone. 

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I’m studying OPM right now…I’m not even sure if that’s the right subject to be studying since the exam I have on Thursday is Psychology. I’m thinking to tidy up some stuff from OPM till dinner and then hit the Psychology book, but knowing me…after dinner and my shower I usually don’t do any work at all. 

Besides, all that’s on my mind now is that I won’t be able to skype with him till late in the night because by time he comes home from shopping,he needs to cook and eat and when he finishes, my mom will be online and she’d be talking to me so I only get to talk to him at 11. *sigh* 

You know, when someone’s got school or busy for the day and you don’t get to talk much, I think it’s fine, but when you got your day off, I really wish that they could spend some quality time with me. 

But…then again, I really don’t know why I want to skype. There isn’t anything specific I want to discuss with him or say to him. I feel that our conversation is getting tedious. I wonder if all couples are like this. 

Anyways, it’s 3 so I should get on with studying .. I don’t want to foregone this opportunity as well. 

Last night when we started skyping he told me that this girl J I disliked was getting married. I didn’t really care…and nothing really happened, in the sense that bothered me or affected both our moods. But all he told me was that she told him on fb that she was getting married, and I’m sure people don’t just go and tell you one sentence and go. They expect something back, like an attendance at their ceremony or a simple congratulations. But when I tried to get something more from him, he didn’t seem like he wanted to tell me. He said that she said they were only signing papers and there won’t be any ceremony. 

:l … that wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted to know the whole story, perhaps… But no one say it out straight ‘I would like to hear your entire convo with her’ *rolls eyes* Then I asked him why did she tell him she getting married. He even teased me that I’m losing to her and that she’s getting married before me. LOL. Then I said, well maybe she’s gonna get a divorce too. Then he told me that I shouldn’t be so mean and sensitive to the situation. 

I don’t even remember how our convo ended up to me saying that she liked him and he kept on denying it. He denies every girl that likes him. I’m sure he’s not blind and can feel whether a person has a thing for him. And he said, she never said she like him and I said, well she kissed you, isn’t that enough? And he was like it was only on the cheek. And I said, well yeah and you hugged her. I guess, my response should’ve been, what? So you want more than that? 

I don’t know why …. but this bothered me the whole night…and perhaps day. I don’t know why I hate her so much and why digging up this memory makes me feel so uncomfortable. I know it’s not healthy to be this way and having to study for my exams. I’m lucky the exam is on Thursday, this way I can buy some time. 

This morning he wanted to skype with me and we did. I know how the hell we ended up talking about whether I would go back to my hometown. I was like no… I’d never go back there and he said he loves it there. I really don’t see the beauty in that place. I … all I ever wanted in my life was to escape from there and now that I have, I’m never going back. Not now, not ever. It has never given me anything that I wanted. All I had there was full of boredom. It limited my abilities and I hate it for doing that to me. I had the potential to strive higher, but I’m stuck in the place where I am now, because my past didn’t allow me to move forward. 

Plus, now that place is even more corrupted than ever. The people are terrible and I don’t like the culture over there. I have no fond memories of that place, just like my ex. I will never forget when he begged to be with me, he said ‘Don’t think of the sad stuff, try and remember how happy we were’. Bullshit! There was/were no happy times!!! Every minute of living I wanted out. I only stayed because there was no better option, where else can I go? 

So I tried to understand what he sees in that place by asking him, why does he like it? He said he feels comfortable there. I asked if he meant by living or by making money. Both our families have businesses over there. I don’t know about his, but our business had dropped dramatically since 1990’s, there are many more stores opened and there’s fierce competition. More the reason for me not go back. No opportunities of promotion and tight competition if you have your own business…what can I possibly do over there? I am not wasting my time going to a university to go back to some muddhole to serve the government and make only a few bucks to survive and not having the chance to live a happy life. 

He asked me a question, a very deep question indeed. If he was to go back, whether I would go with him. He required me to answer with yes or no. I had to say no. I don’t want to lie. It’s not going to make things easier. He felt sad, and so did I. I would love to say I’d do anything for him. But … this is one thing I definitely cannot do,unless it’s the only and last option that I have of survival. 

I am with him because I feel happy when I have him. But if I know that I am capable of achieving more happiness, and I let go of that opportunity, I will forever regret it by living in a place I call hell. 

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I know I should drop the case with the girl… but somehow… she keeps on popping up in our lives and it seems to be a reoccurring topic that we argue about. I just don’t know why he doesn’t delete her ,not just from fb, but from his life. I don’t know what they have been through… but I never said I wouldn’t hear him out. LOL… it’s silly, I highly doubt he owes her anything and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have any dirt on him. So why can’t he just do it to make me happy. I don’t want to ask … again(?), ‘cause it will just cause something bigger than I’m ready to take on right now. 

I just want a peace of mind. This baby that lives with me is insane. His mother takes him into the living early morning and it disturbs the hell out of me…and I can’t go back to sleep after my morning piss. 

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I bought some dresses last night and it was mad expensive. It will only be delivered on Jun 16th. What the fuck?! Is my day bad or is it BAD?!! Come on, it’s May… I’m gonna get it on mid-june???? Part of me what to cancel the order so bad! *sigh*  Now there’s nothing for me to look forward to after exams. After I’m done, my baby’s got exams so I can’t go over to see him. Instead I have to get on with having class almost every freakin’ day of the week. Anyways, need to get on with life and the books!!! Ciao~

I just played a personality test that I played back when I was in high school. Some answers maybe the same, but I think some have changed…as some people has left my life (not like they died or anything, but don’t speak to much). 

First was to place the following animals in the order I wish: Sheep, Tiger, Horse, Pig, Cow

I placed it like that which means that I rank the following in my life: Love, Pride, Family, Money, Career

Second was to use a word to describe the following: Dog, Cat, Rat, Coffee,Sea

Dog- Obedient (my personality)

Cat- Curious (my significant other’s personality)

Rat- Sneaky (Personality of my enemy)

Coffee- Aromatic (my sex life)

Sea- Sunny Day (my own life)

Third was to match a person in my life to the following colours: Yellow, Orange, Red, White, Green

I put Aunty Run, My best friend, Mom, couldn’t find one for white, My boyfriend

Yellow- Someone you will never forget

Orange- Someone who’s your true friend

Red-Someone you really love

White- Twin soul

Green- Someone you will always remember

Last question was pretty dumb, it asked for your favourite number and my favourite day and I had to make a wish and if I send this chain letter to the same number of people as my favourite number my wish will come true on my favourite day. 

I felt so useless today. When I tried to help my baby with his finance (accounting) practice exam, I didn’t know how to do the questions. I feel like he had to teach me what to do. I’ve looked at the question and it should be easy to me, but for some reason, I don’t know how to do it. Maybe it’s because the way I learnt it was different, but how can I become an accountant if I can’t even face a problem in different terms or figure it out with different figures?

Am I really not as good as I think? Is that why I failed my finance exam? I didn’t tell him I failed finance. I just told him that I failed an exam…. He always thought that I was good in finance…….I just didn’t want him to change that thought about me. But I guess after tonight he knows how terrible I am at it. Makes me realize…maybe I’m pursuing the wrong career. 

Maybe my dream will never realize. How can I help a company with their accounting problems if I can’t even help my boyfriend with his. *sigh* …. I’m wondering now…what am I good for????